Going against the Will of God

In my previous post I shared how I got started on the path towards Concordia Seminary. While there were many points along that path that God used to guide me, none was more controversial to me than my strange encounter with Pastor Wilson where he had told me that God had spoken to him in a vision that morning and had plainly stated that I should become a pastor.

As time passed, the memory of that day and that strange encounter with Pastor Wilson would not pass. It intensified and became the focus of, as Greg Koukl would describe, a stone in my shoe. After a few months of thinking about this and sharing this with friends and family and even my pastor, they all suggested that I investigate the pastoral ministry again. So, Debbie and I resolved to visit Concordia Seminary in St. Louis at the next scheduled “Institute on the Ministry” event.

While there, I heard a message preached about how pastors get to “make a difference in the things that matter most.” This message resonated with me! After this visit, Debbie and I made the decision to see “what it would take” to come to Seminary. A list of obstacles was created.

The first obstacle was completing my undergraduate degree. So, I promptly re-enrolled in Missouri State University to get back into good academic status (since I had simply walked away one semester and forfeited all credits being earned at the time). That process was successful.

During that year, I also contacted Concordia University in Seward, Nebraska. In what was one of the most monumental mistakes of my life, I essentially concluded that if God wanted me to be a pastor, he would make it all happen in a “storybook” way. As it played out in my mind, we were going to go to my home state and go to the school I always wanted to go to . . . and it was going to all work out great.

Even as I write these words, more than a decade later, I am baffled as to how blind I was. God did indeed need to do a work in me, and it was going to be through my suffering and the suffering of my family that I would begin to learn and understand things in a new light. Even as we were making plans to move to Nebraska, we discovered that Debbie was pregnant. What amazing and joyous news that was! But, inexplicably, it seemed to only further my resolve to move and proceed with my plans.

In 1999, I completed the requirements needed to achieve good academic standing. I applied to Concordia Seward and was accepted. Debbie and I planned to sell our home and move to my home state of Nebraska so I could complete my undergraduate degree there. On May 1, our firstborn, Mariah Leann Hunsaker entered this world to our complete joy. But with a face set like flint, I pressed onward.

All throughout the summer, Debbie and I prepared in every way we could. In my eyes, everything seemed to be perfect. In July, as the deadline for moving fast approached, we still had not sold our house. Our family pastor took me aside and heartily warned me that this did not have the appearance of a good plan. He cited many valid reasons that in retrospect were all rooted in wisdom. However, as I described to him at the time, I resolved to walk by faith.

So, we moved to Seward, Nebraska on “faith.” As I fully understand now, making my own plans and then throwing the responsibility for accomplishing them upon the shoulders of God is not faith! On the contrary, it is utter foolishness! However, just as Christ died for us when we were yet His enemies, so God protected my family during my rebellion and lovingly cared for us during our headlong journey off of a proverbial cliff. And, admittedly, this would later help me grow to understand Him as my Rock and my Redeemer rather than my personal “genie.”

Classes began in Seward and all started well. I attended class full time while working as much as I could to keep our finances up. However, with our house in Nixa, Missouri, sitting vacant and mortgage payments continuing to fall behind, the numbers just never added up. God worked mightily through our extended family and friends and church to provide immense support (spiritual, emotional and financial) in the midst of our failure. The Hobelman family will never know this side of eternity how much they helped us.

But, as I successfully completed my first semester at Seward, it was finally becoming clear to me that this situation was simply not working. Eventually, our mortgage company called to tell us they were going to begin foreclosure proceedings on our home in Nixa. All during this process, I had been calling out to God to help us, to not let us fail. I was confused and blind and could not understand why he would not help us on our “journey of faith.”

Then came October 31, 1999. The worst day of my life. After just having moved my family into the basement of a dear friend’s home in Lincoln (with the hope that this savings on rent would make the difference), I hit rock bottom. I very nearly died that day. Was it all a cruel joke by God to lead us on this fool’s errand? These were the blind and self-centered thoughts and feelings I had as I contemplated our situation. I had grieved before...I had experienced loss before...but in all dark situations before this day, I always had hope alongside any disaster I had encountered. On this day, however, I lost all hope.

Standing in the back of a box truck that night, trying to unload everything by myself, the cold Nebraska wind cut through me. As it did, so did the realities of my mistakes.

My circumstances were a real-life metaphor being played out in front of me.

Struggling alone on that truck in the cold darkness, I was trying to lift things I was not strong enough to carry by myself. I was trying to do things alone that can only be done with help. Like scales falling off of my eyes, I was beginning to now see what I could not, would not, see before.

I was going against the Will of God.

To be continued...